I need to write, but every time I go to blog about my life... I find myself being unable to express my thoughts. I think I might be afraid to think about what is really going on. Not that anything is too drastic, but I'm changing... becoming someone new... and I'm not really sure how to come to terms with that.
I've matured a bit. I also have detached from the less important aspects of entertainment (drama, gossip, etc.). Those things are nice benefits from this California adventure. I'm also okay with being away from boys. That is new.
Okay, I can see this will just be an epic post of rambling. To save myself and anyone who reads, I am just going to be honest. Honesty? That's a new concept. Honesty means to tell someone how you really feel. Honesty means to admit what is really happening. Honesty means to accept life for how it is and how it will be, and to be ready to ride out the wave of reality. Honesty is something I am learning to deal with.
Honestly? I am terrified of coming home. I'm scared that I will drift back into my old self. I like who I've grown into, and I don't want to slip back into a gossiper. I don't want to fall back into the immature drama that surrounded my friends and past relationships. I'm also scared of having to deal with rumors and lies. Those are never fun. The fall is also going to be very stressful. I have to balance friends, school, an internship, Sigma Pi, AIGA, and somehow find time for a real job so that I can pay for everything. It has been such a nice break being out here... just working and making friends. The responsibilities of Grand Valley have escaped me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to dive back in.
I'm also scared to come home and find that things have changed. Not just with my friends... I left some unfinished business back home, and I hope that I can pick up where I left off. I was so happy, and I just really don't want to be disappointed if things are no longer the way they were. Then again, if things aren't meant to be... then I will just have to bite the bullet and move forward with my life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and eventually I will reach the finish line.
In the end, I feel like I am coming to a choice. I can either dive myself into my activities and work/responsibilities... and just become distracted with all of that. This is how I kept my thoughts off of reality and adult issues. However, I can try and be a big boy when I get back. I can attempt to start dating again, I can start moving forward with my career, and I can learn to take a step back and enjoy what life brings me.
I pick choice number two. I pick a life of ups and downs. I don't want to have Junior Year be a repeat of my Sophomore Year. I want to experience life, not be distracted by it. Don't get me wrong, I want to stay involved with Sigma Pi/AIGA/Grand Valley... I just need to take the time to enjoy the real world (love, family, friends, etc.).
I rambled. I am sorry. I'm just anxious for the unknown. Then again, as I've acknowledged before: taking the risk is so much better than missing out on life. I need to put myself out there. I need to test the waters. I need to close my eyes, and leap.
No comments:
Post a Comment